hot day...

Yeah, not having one... haha.

I am missing my sister like crazy. I want her to be here. I want to talk to her. I want to hug her...but she is away at school and I am here, not with her.

Work is going fine, but the sister thing is making me feel like I want to cry every two seconds. I am trying to hold it together. I called her at lunch and I knew that when I did was going to cry profusely and guess what happened? I cried profusely. And in the middle of my work day too. I think I look like crap right now.

BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to go home, go to sleep, start the day over only with me living in springfield and going to school with Pam.

Maybe I am over reacting, but she is seriously my BESSSSST friend. I know that sounds elementary, but she is the only person I tell everything to. The person that understands me best and even if she thinks I am stupid she still loves me through and through. My heart has a hole.

I just gotta keep telling myself "GROW UP LINDA!!!!!! GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!!!!"


Oh to have the new day begin.

The Lord's mercies are new every morning. Jesus, I need you!

Can you be SO ready for something SO far away?

I don't know. I feel like I want to be, but I know that I'm not. I feel bad for saying I wish I could just fast foreward 11 months, but I wish I could. haha. I think thats its just I'm in a time of totally growth in every area and its VERY hard right now and I wish I could see the fruits of it, but I can't yet. Some nights, after conversations of this and that, I realize how petty little things are. It blows my mind how often I thought about certain things or certain people and now its all almost an embarrasment. I don't like to regret things that I have done because I know it makes me stronger, but...come on, I acted SO immature at times and I probably still will in the future, but I don't like it. I realize I'm not perfect, but as far as this subject I just feel so, so pre-teenish. I hope that makes sense. It does to me. Anyway, I was talking to my good friend, we'll call her sarah for confidentiality reasons, and we were talking about guy girl relationships and about how at our "school" its almost like you can't be friends with a guy if another girl has feelings for him because they end up getting jealous that you're talking to him. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GROW UP??? Now, I can honestly say that I have never been jealous of a girl talking to a guy I liked, but we've all been in petty "he likes me, I like him" kind of situations and its ridiculous. I feel like my sister and I have come to a point where its like, "can't we just meet some mature young adults and NOT think about that kind of stuff". Sure, one day I would like to start seeing someone and eventually get married, but for now why can't we just have a circle of people to be open and honest with? I know I'm not the only person to think like this and I don't want to come across as saying "I am so much more mature than the rest of the world" cause I'm not, sometimes I just get tired of stupid 6th grade crushes and the people that get sucked into them. It doesn't matter.

I guess this is a life-long issue that people will always deal with, but hopefully I, and mine, can learn how to handle it in a mature way.

...and who said once you get a girlfriend you don't hang out with your sisters anymore? I don't know, but I don't like him/her.

When love...

You know, I don't understand a lot of things, but I can live with it. The thing that I don't get that drives me nuts is this thing called "love". I want love so bad, but there is nothing I can do to get it. I could be perfect, yet still, not loved, perhaps appreciated for the "good things" I do, but not necessarily loved. Someone once said, "the moment you have to do something for love, its not love". (basically) I feel like I keep trying and trying and trying and trying some more, but in the end it all amounts to nothing. As soon as I feel like I'm going somewhere or doing something right I am alone, completely alone. Its the same in the relationships I've had; as soon as I get the least bit attatched and vulnerable in the relationship, its gone. I can't keep doing that. I end up feeling terribly empty and like I am nothing. Then I get to the point where I decide that I don't "want" love. I will be happy with even companionship. Thats how I feel right now. I just want someone to sit with me; someone just to be with me. I look around at the people that were all at someone point in my life and EVERY single one of them has someone now...except me. I'm in no way jealous by any means, I am SO happy for them, I just want it to be my turn to find someone, so I don't have to be alone anymore. Music is my only companion. I'll always have my music.

...BAH, this is the saddest blog ever, but I need to get it out and seeing as I don't have anyone to talk to, this is what I'm doing.

Have you ever...

had so much on your mind, but no way to let it all out? BAH, that happens to me so often. Its okay when I have my outlet (piano) because I just play and the music sort of tells what I am trying to say. As far as being able to write, in words, what I want to say, thats a whole other ball park! I feel like I just keep repeating myself and none of it makes sense, even to me. I don't know, maybe thats part of the problem, but nonetheless, I don't.

I do have some good news though. I have finally decided what I am going to do with my life! I start piano lessons tomorrow, which I am so excited to do. I have wanted to start taking lessons again. My plan is to take lessons anywhere from eight months to a year and then in either August or January (I don't know how things are going to play out yet) and attend the Forerunner Music Academy in Kansas City. I am SOOOO excited about that because, well first of all, Derek Loux is the director of FMA and the faculty staff is incredible! I'm looking foreward to growing both technically and spiritually. Depending on the finances and some other things, like if I'm good enough and so on and so forth. That is the closest of plans that I have. I'm SO excited to see how all of this is going to pan out.

For right now I don't have anything else to say, so I'm going to go. Night.

YOU! God's new idea.

I was reading the book that Brock got all of us gradutates and its pretty much amazing. I came over this one part and it was just really good.

God always rejoices when we dare to dream. In fact we are much like God when we dream. The Master exults in newness. He delights in stretching the old. He wrote the book on making the impossible possible.

Examples? Check the book.

Eighty year old shepherds don't usually play chicken with Pharaohs...but don't tell Moses that.

Teenage shepherds don't normally have showdowns with giants...but don't tell that to David.

Night-shift shepherds don't usually get to hear angels sing and see God in a stable...but don't tell that to the Bethleham bunch.

And for sure don't tell that to God. He's made an eternity out of making the earthbound airborne.

Dare you dream that you can make a difference?

God's answer would be, "Just do something and see what happens."

Begin. Just begin! John F. Kenedy reportedly ordered that an oak tree be planted on the White House lawn. The gardener objected, sating the tree wouldn't mature for a decade. "Then by all means," urged the president, "plant it today." Don't let the sixe of the task keep you from sowing a seed.

Against a twering giant, a brook pebble seems futile. But God used it to topple Goliath. Compared to the tithes of the wealthy, a widow's coins seem puny. But Jesus used them to inspire us.

Moses had a staff.
Davide had a sling.
Samson had a jawbone.
Rahab had a string.
Mary had some ointment.
Aaron had a rod.
Dorcas had a needle.
All were used by God.

What do you have?

God inhabits the tiny seed, empowers the tiny deed. Small deeds can change the world.

Its a long exerpt, I know, but it was just really good.

Just Be!

I haven't blogged in a really long time, but I don't like the myspace blogger so I chose to blog here. Here I go.

Stop trying to earn what you already have. You were God's from before you were born. You are never forgotten. You will never be forsaken. He sees your pain and He wants to take it. But you have to let it go. We are so unworthy of anything our Father gives, but he loves to give it. God's love never fails. No matter where we go or what we do God will ALWAYS love us. He's always waiting for us to come home and even though we're a LONG way off He runs to us. Do you get that? He RUNS to us with open arms. He's always calling to us, "Come home!" He never stops pursuing us. He will never stop wanting us with him. He will never stop yearning for you. Do you understand He's in love? And He's in love with you! The maker of the Heavens is in love with you. What have we done to deserve it? What did you do to make yourself worthy of His love? Theres nothing we can do to earn God's love because it's already yours! Stop trying to be good enough. God doesn't want a different version of you or He wouldn't have created you the way you are. Come as you are. Just be with God, your father.

JUST BE.

There is nothing you can do to lose God's love. You are His. One moment with God is better than 1000 with anything or anyone else. One fragment of a moment with God is life and life is nothing if God isn't in it.Ephesians 1:4- Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.Before the world was even created, YOU were on God's mind. God chose you, not because of what you have done, but simply because He is so passionately in love with you. Can you even get your mind around the concept that you are wanted for just being you. God chose us to be holy and without fault in his eyes. He chose to send his only son to the cross to die for our sins so that we could live forever in this intimacy that is God.

even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. --Frances Moore Lappe

i love you grandma!